| Katherine: | Hello, everyone. Thank you so much for joining us today on This Needs To Be Said. Our friend attorney, Gina, is with us from Family Law Matters. We’re talking about domestic violence today. I’m going to inhale, exhale. Gina, thank you so much for coming today and sharing this heavy topic with us but also providing support and guidance for someone who may find themselves in the situation, and even for people who may not know if they are in what will be considered a domestic violence situation. |
| Katherine: | Gina, thank you. Welcome back to This Needs To Be Said. We’re going to get started. Let’s talk about, what is domestic violence? Is it limited to physical abuse only or is there more? |
| Gina: | Actually, Catherine, most people who are victims of domestic violence are not physically abused. Typically, domestic violence includes other actions besides hitting, slapping, punching, those kinds of things that you would typically think of as an abused person. |
| Katherine: | Give some examples of what would be other than the physical hitting. What would be something that may happen that a person may shrug off like, okay, well, I don’t like it? It doesn’t make me feel good, but it’s not really abuse. |
| Gina: | Absolutely. The way you can tell if you’re a victim of domestic violence is if someone causes you to do something through force or out of fear. Typical acts of domestic violence might include such subtle things as throwing things, breaking things, slamming doors, slamming objects on a countertop, going through someone’s purse, maybe going through somebody’s cellphone, keeping somebody awake at night, belittling somebody, following someone from room to room, maybe taking someone’s car keys, maybe disabling someone’s vehicle. All those things would be included in domestic violence. |
| Katherine: | Wow. Who would you say are the typical victims of domestic violence? |
| Gina: | Domestic violence cuts across both genders, male and female, and across all demographics, social, economic. Everyone I’ve seen victims of domestic violence, higher earners, stay at home moms. There really is no archetype. |
| Katherine: | That’s surprising. In my mind, I was prepared for you to say one thing. I don’t know which, but I was expecting it to be one category. Wow. It could be anyone. It’s not because you’re not smart enough or rich enough or live in the right community or came from the right family. This is anyone. This could be anyone. |
| Gina: | It could be a big, strong guy, a big, strong lumberjack whose wife is keeping them awake at night or belittling him with words or threatening to hit him. Actually, a lot of times, guys allow women to hit them and they think that they’re supposed to take it. |
| Katherine: | Yeah, I’ve heard that a lot because it’s just automatic that men are stronger than women, like automatic, like there’s never a chance. That’s not true. It sounds like from what you’re saying, it’s not about the strength. It’s any form of manipulation in a harmful way, a person not- |
| Gina: | Humiliation. |
| Katherine: | Humiliation. Got it. I didn’t want to leave that out. What are some common characteristics among victims, if there are, since it could be anyone? Are there any common characteristics? |
| Gina: | Actually, there are. I think the number one thing is that victims blame themselves. They think that if they were just a better cook or a better housekeeper or a better husband that the abuser would not do what they did. |
| Gina: | The other thing is victims of domestic violence are very nice people. They’re loving and forgiving. The reason why I think that’s common is because if they were to sit and think about the abuse they endured, they’d leave, but a victim of domestic violence forgives the abuser. Again, they rationalize it because it was their fault, and they move on and leave that act behind them and don’t think about it again. |
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| Katherine: | Wow. This needs to be said, audience. I don’t know if you know someone or if you’ve seen this behavior or if you’ve even shown this behavior. This is an eye-opener. I have a question about the things that you were saying were forms of abuse; throwing things, keeping someone up, belittling them. Could this be something that two people are doing to each other or is it just one sided? Because I’m just even thinking, I’m saying, gosh. I’ve probably slammed … not probably. I’ve slammed my fist. I’ve slammed the door. I’m like, oh, wow. For myself, I’m checking myself, but as the audience is listening as well, is this abuse every time? Are you getting my question? Because I’m wowed. I have been misbehaving. I must do better. Anyway. |
| Gina: | We all get angry, of course, but the difference between us and an abuser or a victim is it becomes a pattern. When it is mutual, it’s considered mutual combat, and it’s a toxic relationship that obviously these people need to get out of. What makes an abusive relationship domestic violence is where it’s one-sided. Of course, the victim is going to get angry once in a while and fight back, but typically it’s one person bullying the other or harassing the other. It could be things like stalking behavior, following somebody in their car, going to their work uninvited, showing up at their house without permission, entering a room without permission, if you’re in a room and the door is locked. Like I said, going through emails, going through phone calls, calling people on your cellphone history. That would all be considered domestic violence as well. |
| Katherine: | If the audience is not wowed, I’m wowed because some people say, oh, I do this because I love this person. If I didn’t love them, I wouldn’t do these things, to justify it. My radar is off, is going … Have I witnessed this? Have I experienced this? Have I done this? Even with me questioning and self-checking and, yes, these are hard topics because you don’t know sometimes if your behavior is on the edge of not being just a human behavior. Are you trying to manipulate? Are you trying to victimize this person? Are you trying to control this person? For a person who finds themselves in that situation of being the victim, of being the target of someone’s anger, frustration, whatever, that they’re putting on them, how do they get help? Is there protection for them? What needs to happen? |
| Gina: | Sure. There’s help in a number of ways. For instance, there are resources through Riverside County that they can go to. There’s actually projects to help these people for free. They can also go to the courthouse and get help or hire an attorney like me. The process would be to file a lawsuit, which would result in a restraining order against the other party. The other party could not come, for instance, with 100 yards of the victim, couldn’t call the victim, couldn’t contact the victim, and that would result in protection. |
| Katherine: | If there are children involved or even if they’re married, if they live in the same house, how does this work? That’s probably two separate questions, so address it as you need to. |
| Gina: | Sure. As to children, it’s extremely important to get help if domestic violence is going on in the home. The reason is if a child is in a home when domestic violence is committed, it is legally neglect. Meaning, that CPS will come in to the home and remove the children if the mother or father do not take steps to protect those children. It’s extremely important if someone is a victim of domestic violence to take steps to protect those children by preventing the domestic violence from happening. It could be listening to this call and going and getting some counseling. It could be sitting down and realizing you’re in a toxic relationship and leaving. For some people, it may be so serious that the only way to break the cycle would be to get some legal protection. |
| Katherine: | I know we’ve talked a lot about the victim and even with myself checking, I could be the accused. This is just the human self-check on our own behavior. Not to say that we’re bad people, but whenever I have the opportunity to interview you Gina or anyone, I’m often checking my life to see what things could be familiar. I’ll always want to be the best version of me. If I was the accused, is there … and I haven’t heard this much, so I am really interested in what you have to say because the accused isn’t always talked about often. What are your thoughts? What is your practice about the person who’s accused? Can you help them or what do they do? |
| Gina: | Absolutely. |
| Katherine: | Because accused doesn’t necessarily mean they did it, right? |
| Gina: | Correct. Even if they did do it, even if this is a person with a bad temper and recognizes that they have a bad temper, what they need to know is that there are very serious ramifications if a domestic violence restraining order is filed against them. If it is issued, it comes with it lifetime consequences. Some of those consequences would be not being able to own a gun. If you have a green card, perhaps being deported. If you have a job that you’re applying to, not being able to pass a background check. If you are a peace officer or a teacher, perhaps being fired from your job. If you are the accused, it’s incredibly important to get legal help and to fight this restraining order, even if you’re guilty, and even if you don’t care if you ever see this person again. |
| Gina: | Another thing is if you’re accused and you have children, you cannot have custody of those children, even if the person who accused you is not the mother or father of the children that are at issue here. |
| Katherine: | What if it’s a false accusation? |
| Gina: | All the more reason you need to fight it. |
| Katherine: | Of course, of course. |
| Gina: | I’ve been in court so many times, and I’ve seen people say, oh, I don’t care for restraining orders granted. I never want to see them again. Again, false, true, it doesn’t matter. You need to fight it. If it’s true, you need to get some help. There are things that you can do legally to prevent that restraining order from being permanent and with that, those consequences, those draconian consequences won’t occur. |
| Katherine: | That is important. It is so important. It is so important. For the person who is going to file the domestic violence or the restraining order, be sure that that’s … because there is ramification. If this person truly did this, then I don’t say don’t, but don’t do it just because you’re mad, because you didn’t get your way and they didn’t actually do anything to you. I think that is one of the cruelest things that we can do. Just leave the person alone if you don’t want to be with them no more, you don’t want them around you but if they really did it, get help. Turn them in. Report them but if they did not do that because what you’re saying is so important. If I never want to see the person again, I don’t want them to not be able to take care of themselves anymore. I just want them out of my space. That’s a different thing. |
| Katherine: | I hope people pay attention to what you’ve shared with us on today because this again is a heavy topic. People are in these situations and not speaking up, and you should. People aren’t in a situation and our falsely accusing, and you shouldn’t. What we’re talking about is how to get the help that you need, whatever situation you find yourself in. Before we wrap up our time together, do you have any final words of advice for victims of domestic violence? |
| Gina: | Absolutely. If you’re in a relationship where there’s domestic violence, recognize it’s not your fault, that there is a better life out there and that you can get through this. |
| Katherine: | What about for the people who are accused? Do you have any final words for them? |
| Gina: | Absolutely. If you’re accused of domestic violence, I think the number one take away is hire competent counsel. We can certainly help you here at Family Law Matters. If you have any questions for us, you’re welcome to give us a call at (951) 263-7377. |
| Katherine: | Gina, thank you so much for joining us again on This Needs To Be Said. Thank you for letting the audience know how to get in touch with you outside of This Needs To Be Said. Each situation is not the exact same. This is a general conversation that we’re having with an expert who can give you better counsel on your individual situation. Do not walk away from this radio show and just think you got all the answers because it’s not based on your individual situation. Please get in touch with her team if you need to see if this is you. If you are in one of these situations, get help. Don’t take this as a catchall. This was general. This is an eye-opener. This is for you to begin getting on the right track for your life. Again, Gina, thank you so much for stopping by This Needs To Be Said. |
| Gina: | Thank you and God bless you, Catherine. |
| Katherine: | Thank you. God bless you. |
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